Wolves
by mrsProbie
Summary: Remus's experiences from graduation through 1 November, 1981. Wolfstar. Inspired by "Wolves" by Tallhart.


Things had been different, since graduation. It wasn't the bad kind of different, but it was definitely… different.

 _We talk in circles, it's Saturday night_

 _We talk in circles now_

When school was in term, each of them - Remus, James, Sirius, Peter, even Lily and Marly - had just gravitated towards the common room fireplace when they wanted to hang out. At least two of them were always there, whether slaving over essays or causing trouble. If you wanted to see anyone, you just had to go downstairs.

Being out of school was harder. They had jobs now - real jobs, where they couldn't see each other every meal and every night. Even Remus had found work, at Flourish and Blotts. It paid enough to keep a roof over his head for the time being, and when the shop wasn't busy, he read under the guise of making sure each book was categorized correctly. ("If you can read standing behind a till, I don't care," Mrs. Plumpley nee Flourish, the shop's current manager, had said. He'd taken her up on it.)

There was an odd three weeks where none of his friends saw one another, save running into each other in public places. Eventually, Lily had (according to James) thrown her hands up in frustration and stormed into their bedroom for parchment. She'd written four identical letters, the words in dainty cursive that didn't quite match the tone: _You will come to our house on Saturday at 5 PM. I don't care if you have other plans; cancel them. You're having dinner with us now. -Lily_

They had all shown up nervous, Remus and Peter and Sirius and Marlene. Each of them thought they had done something to upset Lily and that she was going to tear them a new one - they were delighted to find that she had just missed them all.

They sat that night, the six of them, drinking Firewhiskey and telling stories about new bosses and coworkers and love interests and odd keepsakes they'd found at the bottom of their Hogwarts trunks.

"Hell, that's where I found this Firewhiskey!" Sirius told them. "I think I had it in there since January!"

"It's good stuff," James said, then stuck his pinky out and sat ramrod-straight, sipping demurely from his glass. "Well-aged, I see - and do I detect a hint of boyish mischief?"

"Nah, that's probably leftover Gillywater," Sirius said good-naturedly, "from the time we used the bottle over Christmas."

James choked.

 _Let your sweet love offer me some relief_

 _Let your sweet voice carry me back to shore_

Remus had missed them all, but especially Sirius. He knew that James was Sirius's best friend, and that they were like brothers, but he and Sirius had something… different. Sirius came to Remus with emotional things, and Sirius never missed a visit in the Hospital Wing. He'd always behaved in the days leading up to the full moon, both because "you're unbearable otherwise, Moony," and to ensure that he'd be available to sneak in and sit with Remus, not be stuck in detention.

Remus knew he depended pretty heavily on Sirius. They'd nearly lived together, but something in Remus's gut told him that he couldn't take the charity. He needed to strike out at life on his own first. He needed to prove that he could do this.

He was drawn out of his thoughts by the gentle strumming of a guitar. Sirius had officially had enough to drink to begin playing, which meant that the night would be over in about another hour and a half.

He started with the same song he always did: an off-key acoustic rendition Don't Go Breaking My Heart. He always sang Elton John's part, and he would stay strumming the same two chords until Remus joined in with Kiki Dee's part. He played the game, making Sirius wait for a few seconds before belting out: "I couldn't if I tried!"

By the end of the song, Sirius and Remus were standing back to back, Remus singing into his glass like a microphone, and the others were dancing in pairs, twirling and switching partners - at one point, he was fairly sure James had kissed Peter on the forehead - and humming along.

At the end of the night, they exchanged brief hugs and all promised they'd do it again soon. It was the beginning of a Saturday night tradition, one they would uphold for a very long time.

 _How come every time I try to make a difference, I get left behind?_

 _Standing in the doorway, like some young doe-eyed school boy, waiting for the chance to move_

Remus had never felt more useless than the day they were brought into their first meeting of the Order of the Phoenix in November. The information provided was incredible, and there were plants everywhere - Aurors, Healers, professors, journalists… and Remus, the guy who couldn't keep a job at a bloody bookshop.

The Headmaster - "Albus, if you please, I'm not your professor any longer." - had assigned Sirius and James to keep notes on anything indicative of Death Eater movement they heard during their Auror training. Peter and Marlene were to do the same in the Muggle-Worthy Excuses Committee and St. Mungo's, respectively. Lily was to begin developing more effective, faster-acting healing potions.

Remus was given a sheet of Arithmancy equations and told to partner with Emmeline Vance developing predictive works. He'd barely scraped an E in Arithmancy NEWTs, but he took the work with a forced smile.

 _Let your sweet love offer me some relief_

 _Let your sweet voice bing hope to my door_

"Ask Albus if he'll pay you," Sirius said, well, seriously. Remus had been unemployed for several weeks at this point, and he'd made the mistake of mentioning to Sirius that he was considering selling pot. "You do valuable work, and Merlin knows we have the funding."

"Sirius, that funding comes from James's pockets." His gaze shifted to the floor, and he wrung his hands. "I'm not going to live off his family's money. He has a kid on the way." Time had not changed Remus's feelings on charity - he still wasn't entirely convinced it was okay for him to be living with Sirius. He wasn't even paying rent. He'd just shown up one day, a few months ago in March, and asked if it was okay.

("You don't have a bed, you don't pay rent," Sirius had said. "I take up half your bed, I should be paying half your rent," Remus had reasoned. Sirius had rolled his eyes, leaned in, and kissed him.)

"Then just keep staying with me," Sirius said, practically pleading. "I love you, and I love having you here, and I made enough to cover this place before you moved in. There's no need for you to be homeless when you have somewhere to stay, Remus." The way he said Remus's name made his heart beat faster, and he relented. He wrapped his arms around Sirius, laughing out loud when Sirius rolled off the couch, taking them both to the floor.

 _We dance in circles, it's Saturday night_

 _We dance in circles now_

Several jobs and firings and jobs and firings later, in early autumn of 1979, Albus approached Remus about doing some more... intense work for the Order.

Within a week, he was undercover in a circle tangential to his worst nightmare, Fenrir Greyback. He spent the week leading up to the full moon with them, eating raw meat and shitting his brains out. They talked about killing the way Sirius might talk about lighting up a cigarette. His first night there, Remus vomited.

He stayed, though, and started a friendship with Celeste, a woman who was also bitten by Greyback. She wasn't a Death Eater, of that he was sure; she had scars decorating her arms from fights with some of the others over where to put the blame for the mistreatment of werewolves. She told him who it was that she'd fought, and he wrote every detail down.

Some of the other wolves grew suspicious of Remus - "What kind of name is Remus Lupin for a bleedin' werewolf? It ain't his real name, I'm tellin' you," one of them insisted - and demanded to know what he was really doing there. He had them believe that he was in love with Celeste and that he wanted to stay until the full moon to find out if she would be a good mate. It felt dirty, and he wanted to tell Celeste that it wasn't true, that he liked her without wanting to fuck her, but then she would want to know why he was there.

At the end of his stay with the wolves, Sirius welcomed him back with hot chocolate and hugs. He had never been so grateful for the man in his life. That Saturday was calmer than most others; Peter couldn't make it, and Lily looked more and more pregnant each time they saw her (he supposed she was, technically).

Marlene played Beatles songs that night, her lilting voice lending an almost magical feel to the words. James and Lily swayed in place while Sirius and Remus took turns twirling each other in circles, each pretending to be the queen in turn and thanking his handsome suitor.

"Stop stepping on my toes," Remus said primly, betrayed by his own smile.

"I've told you I've got two left feet," Sirius said. "How many times do I have to apologize?"

 _Fill up on cocaine, remember the sting_

 _Fill up on cocaine now_

The Saturday nights tapered to every-other-Saturday nights. James and Lily were moved into hiding in late November, and no one seemed to know why past the two of them and Dumbledore. They were put under the Fidelius Charm, and Sirius was their Secret-Keeper. There was word of a spy in the Order, and Remus was smart enough to put two and two together and realize why everyone but Sirius was distancing themselves from him. He understood, on some level. He was a werewolf, he was jobless, he was probably angry at society on some level.

But he grew up with them, and he worked with them. Why would he betray them? How could they believe he was capable of that?

Sometimes he would cry in bed, and Sirius would hold him and stroke his back. "I believe you," he would whisper. "I know you're good. They'll know, too."

"What will it take?" Remus asked one late October night. "Do I have to die for them to believe me? Would they?" He gripped his pillow with both hands to keep him from punching it. "Or will they think the werewolves have gotten sick of me, decided to get rid of me?"

Sirius grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him upright. He seemed to be resisting the urge to shake him. "They let you meet Harry the day he was born, Remus. They bring him here and let you play with him. Does that sound like people who don't want to trust you?"

 _How come every time I try to get my things together, I have less than I did before?_

 _They break into a million tiny pieces in the hearts of all the other people at my door_

Six months later, Remus went to the werewolves and found them waiting for him as a group. He worried for a moment that his cover had been blown, then the crowd parted. Celeste was in the center of the mass of people, bloodied and still. He ran to his only friend here and his hands roamed over her, feeling for warmth or a pulse or anything, but there was nothing. She was gone. The crowd slowly drained until only a few people remained, watching Remus.

"She got into a fight," one of the men, Benjamin, told him, "with another woman. The woman thought Celeste was trying to steal her mate away." Remus looked at him, furious, and Benjamin coldly added, "The woman has been taken care of."

They sat in silence for a moment, Remus resting a hand on Celeste's cold, unmoving chest. Her corpse. The sky seemed to sense his mood, opening and pouring itself out and over them. There was a crack of thunder, immediately followed by the crack of his Apparition. He knew how werewolf packs disposed of members' bodies, and he didn't want to be a part of it.

 _Let your sweet love offer me some relief_

 _Let your sweet voice keep my wolves in the dark_

 _Keep my wolves in the dark_

He'd awoken in the middle of the night - early in the morning? - to an Auror's shout of "Come out with your hands up!" Unsure what was happening, he complied, albeit ready to pull his wand at any second.

He wouldn't have had time to even if he'd tried. He was stunned as soon as he opened the bedroom door.

They'd explained everything to him once he was revived in a holding cell. Apparently he'd been cleared while he was out cold. Cleared of what?

James and Lily and Peter. All dead. Sirius in Azkaban. Sirius _confessed_ , Sirius said it was _his fault_ , Sirius was _laughing_.

Albus wouldn't let him have Harry. He wouldn't even let him see Harry. He had no idea where Harry was or where the boy was supposed to go. They weren't reading James and Lily's wills and no one would tell him why. No one wanted to answer his questions. He was poor and a werewolf and was in love with Sirius Black and -

He grew up with them, and he worked with them. Why would he betray them?

Remus sat alone in a convicted murderer's flat, drinking Firewhiskey out a refilled bottle and thinking in the same stupid circles.

 _We talk in circles, it's Saturday night_

 _We talk in circles now_

 _Let your sweet love offer me some relief_

 _Let your sweet voice keep my wolves in the dark_


End file.
